Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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