It's Friday. Sex?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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