My friends, they love my intelligence
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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