I just pynch a tree in the face
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
