Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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