I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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