Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
