I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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