You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
