you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
