I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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