How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
