Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
