I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
