How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
