I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you traded sex for a burrito?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
