I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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