TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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