I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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