Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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