if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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