textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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