You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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