She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
