Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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