Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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