Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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