I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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