I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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