im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize