Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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