Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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