Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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