Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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