Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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