Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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