My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
