I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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