The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
