I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
