I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
