Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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