Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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