I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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