can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
