It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
