You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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