I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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