I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize