Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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