Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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