Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
