I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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