If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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