I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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