Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
