When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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