we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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