All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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