i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
